


fearful of the night

by centreoftheselights



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxiety, Apologies, Comforting, Confronting Issues, Confusion, Consent Issues, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirting, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, LAOFT, Love and Other Fairytales, M/M, Magic, Making Out, Memory Loss, Miscommunication, Much Softer Than The Warning List Makes It Sound, Nonconsensual Magic (Not Done By Main Characters), References to Sex, References to Teenagers Having Sex, Self-Blame, Self-Esteem Issues, Swearing, Trauma, bad memories, getting triggered, implied dry humping, past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-30 00:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centreoftheselights/pseuds/centreoftheselights
Summary: Talking about things is hard.Not talking about them is worse.





	fearful of the night

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [of quiet birds in circled flight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18827068) by [SoDoRoses (FairyChess)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyChess/pseuds/SoDoRoses). 



> This is inspired by the amazing Violet's AU [Love and Other Fairytales](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1111962) and contains **major spoilers** for the ending of that fic. And also won't make any sense if you don't know the AU, sorry.
> 
> Vi, I hope you enjoy this even one one-thousandth as much as I have enjoyed your works these past few months!
> 
> (Title is from "The Old Astronomer" by Sarah Williams.)

“You know, Specs,” Roman said, stretching out across Logan's bed, “when I told your ma we were going to study together, I thought I was lying.”

“That was your mistake.”

Logan sat at his desk, textbook laid out in front of him. He was only occasionally sparing glances at his boyfriend, who was sprawled upside-down across Logan's bed with a pleading look on his face.

“School doesn't even start for three more weeks!” Roman protested. “And you're a shoo-in for valedictorian if the teachers have half a brain cell between them.”

“The likelihood of my becoming valedictorian is debatable,” Logan replied, not looking up. “And if you are bored, you could _actually_ study.”

Roman groaned loudly.

“I get enough of that at home,” he said. “If I have to listen to one more lecture from that ratty old buzzard about the _ancient art of potion-making_ …”

“Then you could work on finding a job.”

Roman groaned again, louder.

“You're the one who chose to stay in town after graduating,” Logan pointed out.

“Oh, like I coulda gone anywhere else.” Roman reached out and laid a hand on Logan's knee, just for a moment. Logan couldn't help but look at him, and then when he did he couldn't help but smile, the softness on his face mirroring Roman's own expression.

“These are the perils of dating someone younger than you,” Logan teased.

“More like _you're_ into older men,” Roman shot back. “First me and Patton –”

“Eighteen months hardly merits that amount of eyebrow waggling –”

“And now your average boyfriend is several centuries older than you. That's quite a development, Specs. Should we be concerned?”

Logan had turned away from the textbook now, his arms folded as he faced Roman.

“The same misuse of statistics could easily be applied to you.”

“But I'm not the youngest!”

“Roman, you are _pestering_ me,” Logan complained. “It's very distracting.”

“Oh no.” Roman didn't look particularly apologetic. “Do you think you'll have to find a way to shut me up?”

Logan made a frustrated noise, and slid off of his chair onto the floor.

“I shouldn't reward this behaviour,” he grumbled, cupping Roman's face in his hands.

Roman was grinning. “You love it.”

“Maybe,” Logan replied stubbornly, before kissing him.

It was like a switch had been flipped, like an electromagnet running between them had been turned on; their lips met, and suddenly, Logan found he was completely unwilling to do anything _other_ than kiss Roman. Pulling apart, even for a few moment's breath, felt like an astoundingly bad idea. They kissed again and again, panting into each other's mouths, awkwardly manoeuvring around each other until Logan had climbed onto the bed alongside Roman without their lips ever parting for more than a second or two. Logan had one hand in Roman's hair, and another pressed against his chest, while Roman's hands clutched at his back, pulling him closer.

The four of them hadn't taken things too far, physically speaking. Certainly not far enough to warrant the box of condoms that Logan had hidden right in the back of his wardrobe, nor the Talk from his parents that had accompanied said box, leaving him blushing bright red and staring at his feet while the floorboards sprouted celosia all around him.

No, they had been – not “taking things slow”, because they were still teenagers and everything still felt dizzyingly fast, every moment they spent together like freefall – but, they _hadn't_ been doing anything… like that.

Only.

Their legs were tangled together, and both of them were dressed for the summer heat, which meant shorts and T-shirts, and Roman's T-shirt had ridden up to show a two-inch stripe of skin at his midriff, and the weather definitely wasn't the only thing that was hot today.

Logan dragged his hand down Roman's back, nails scraping a little in that way that made Roman flush pink every time, and let his fingertips trace along the bare skin of Roman's stomach. Nothing they hadn't done before, although it still took his breath away to be here, to be kissing Roman and _touching_ him and _lying on a bed together_ –

Then Roman pulled him into a deeper kiss, and Logan couldn't breathe for a completely different reason.

Emboldened, Logan pushed Roman's top up further, running his hands along Roman's muscular abdomen. This was still wasn't – technically – unprecedented, not since that weekend at the start of July when the four of them had sunbathed by the creek, all of them shirtless, even Virgil after enough teasing – but it felt different, somehow, to be doing this inside. Everything was sharper and more desperate and more raw, and Logan ached to chase that feeling.

From the way Roman moaned and bit at Logan's lip, Logan wasn't the only one. Roman's hands were on his waist now, and he rolled backwards, tugging gently until Logan shifted on top of him.

“Roman,” Logan gasped. There were a lot of feelings swirling inside him, most of which he could hardly name, so he settled for: “I love you.”

Roman smiled against Logan's mouth. “I love you too.”

They stayed like that for a while, kisses growing deeper, touches growing bolder. Roman's movements were slow and languid, lazy in the afternoon heat, but Logan found that there was something burning inside him that he couldn't ignore. As Roman's hands brushed playfully over his ass, he broke their kiss.

“Roman, can I –”

“ _Yes_.” Roman's enthusiastic answer came even before Logan had finished the question, his eyes sparkling in a way that made Logan's breath catch.

Logan shook his head a little, and asked again: “Can I take your shirt off?”

“Of course, love.”

Roman held up his hands for long enough to allow Logan to tug his T-shirt over his head, before smirking and asking: “Now, where were we?”

Logan leaned down for another kiss, and Roman surged up to meet him, cupping one hand around Logan's face while the other slid under his shirt. Logan couldn't help but groan a little at the hot touch of Roman's hand against his skin, and in response Roman made some soft noises that had Logan's heart stuttering inside his chest, and then he shifted his weight slightly and –

Something hard was pressing against his hip, and Logan was pretty sure it wasn't Roman's phone. And suddenly, thinking was getting hard too. And… _well_.

“Having fun?” Roman teased, his fingers dancing up the back of Logan's thigh, which was definitely not helping matters. He rolled his hips upwards a little, and Logan heard himself make a low noise that he was fairly sure human throats weren't capable of.

“Is this –” Logan swallowed. “Can I keep kissing you?”

“You can do whatever you like to me,” Roman answered.

He was smiling, but Logan frowned.

“Be serious.”

“I'm _always_ serious,” Roman said, teasingly. “Come on, it's fine. Please don't stop. I want you, D–”

Roman bit his lip suddenly, his eyes going wide.

“… darling,” he finished, unconvincingly.

Logan scrambled off of him so fast that he fell off of the bed, landing heavily on the floorboards.

“Yeah,” Roman sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I didn't believe that one either.”

“Roman –”

“I should go,” Roman said quickly, grabbing his shirt off the bed. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have –”

“Roman, wait, _please_ –”

Logan scrambled to get to his feet, but Roman pulled his shirt over his head and –

Vanished.

“Roman?” Logan called, hurrying down the stairs.

But he was gone.

 

The imp commonly known as Ragwort had been cursed. Or at least, they might as well have been, given how their luck was running today.

They had stumbled across a human in the forest – reeking of emotion, distraught and completely distracted. Easy pickings, or so they thought.

And then they'd gotten close, and realised _which_ human they'd found.

Just about every fae in these woods knew Sir Roman's face. And every fae in these woods knew well enough to be terrified of what the new king – or rather, the old Prince – would do to anyone who harmed him, or White's lad, or the changeling.

But. _Some_ of the fae in these woods didn't have two brain cells to rub together, and if Sir Roman was going to run around the forest distracted like this, sooner or later someone was going to see 'prey' and not stop to realise _who he was_. And if there was even a whisper of a suggestion that Ragwort could have stopped it…

Ragwort groaned to themselves, and with a twist of magic, sent Roman onto a new path. He stumbled on into the trees, not even noticing that he'd been pixie-led. Sir Roman was all tangled up in the court, so let the court have him.

Ragwort made themselves scarce. With any luck, they'd never see Sir Roman again.

 

“Berry? What happened?”

Thomas knew when Logan had texted him that something bad must have happened. But he hadn't expected to find Logan curled up on the living room floor, his knees tucked under his chin, with hyacinth growing in thick clumps under his clenched fists.

“Did you and Roman get in an argument?” Thomas asked, hunkering down next to Logan.

Logan stayed quiet for a long second. Then:

“In a manner of speaking.”

“What happened?” Thomas bit his lip. “C'mon, I can't help if you don't talk to me.”

Logan tipped his head to the side, and sighed.

“I can't, in good conscience, tell you. Not – I don't want to keep things from you, but it involves information shared with me in confidence.”

“Okay.” Thomas shrugged. “What parts can you tell me?”

“I… hurt Roman.”

Whatever Thomas had been expecting, that wasn't it. And Logan clearly misinterpreted his look of surprise, because he frowned and said:

“It was an accident.”

“I know,” Thomas reassured him.

“How can you possibly know that?”

“Because you're you and he's Roman,” Thomas rolled his eyes. “So what happened? Did you guys…” He didn't want to ask this, but it seemed important to know. “Did he break up with you?”

“I…” Logan curled in on himself even tighter. “I don't know. He ran out of the house.” Then, very quietly: “I _really_ fucked up.”

Thomas frowned.

“Do I need to call Mom?”

Logan gave him a faint smile.

“I think even Mom might not be able to fix this one.”

“No, I mean…” Thomas shrugged, clearly uncomfortable. “Is Virgil gonna show up here in a bad mood? Cause I need reinforcements for that.”

Logan's eyes widened a little, in a way that made Thomas's guts squirm.

“… He might,” Logan admitted. “But – again, I don't see how Mom –”

“Virgil is at least fifteen percent afraid of our mother,” Thomas said flatly. “All your boyfriends are.”

Logan scoffed. “That cannot possibly be true.”

“It absolutely is, Berry. And it works both ways too.”

Logan folded his arms on top of his knees.

“Ms Gage is objectively _at least_ fifteen percent terrifying,” he said.

“And how would you feel if I asked you to have a one-on-one conversation with Mrs Waller?” Thomas teased.

“I…” Logan turned a little pink. “That isn't fair.”

“Mrs Waller isn't even a _little_ bit scary,” Thomas continued, “but last time you saw her at the store you went and hid behind the soda display.”

“I wouldn't characterise it as _hiding_ ,” Logan protested.

“Well I would, cause that's what it was.”

Thomas grinned. Logan had finally uncurled from his ball, and his fists were no longer clenched so tight his knuckles were turning white. Mission accomplished.

But when the laughter faded, Logan still looked miserable. And Thomas didn't have a clue what to do about it.

“I'm gonna call Mom,” he said quickly. “And you need to text Roman. _And_ Patton, in case Roman shows up with him.”

Logan's fingers drummed on the floor.

“… I don't know what to say,” he admitted, his voice rough with emotion.

“Start with you're sorry?” Thomas suggested. “And then I guess… you see how it goes from there.”

 

Patton was sat under a tree, reading, when he heard a sudden hush fall over the clearing. With a sense of creeping dread, he looked up – and his heart skipped a beat.

“Roman? What are you doing here?”

He got to his feet, and it was only as he drew closer that he realised that Roman's eyes were half-glazed, his shirt was inside-out, and there was a tell-tale flush on his cheeks that meant he had either been crying recently, or was going to very soon.

“Patton? What are you – how did I get here?”

Roman blinked, looking around himself, and started to shake a little.

“Hey, Ro, it's okay, come on.” Patton wrapped an arm around his waist, leading him off towards Patton's room, away from the wide, watching eyes that lurked around the edges of the clearing.

“Tell the Prince that Roman is here, and we'll be in his room,” Patton said to a passing fae. They stiffened a little at the instruction, and Patton fought the urge to wince, but he quickly focussed back on Roman instead.

Patton closed the door behind them, and then pulled Roman to sit on the bed. Roman hid his head against Patton's chest, and Patton rubbed small circles on his back.

“It's okay,” he murmured softly. “You're safe, Roman, everyone's safe.”

“Pat?” Roman's voice sounded hazy, like he was half-asleep. “How come you're here?”

“You came to me!” Patton said, fighting to keep his tone light. “Don't – don't you remember?”

Roman sat bolt upright, his face suddenly turning ashen.

“No,” he said. “No, I can't – why can't I remember?”

Patton swallowed, hard.

“You don't have to worry,” he repeated. “You aren't hurt, are you?”

“No, but –”

The door opened softly, and Virgil was there. Patton felt a couple of the knots in his chest untie themselves again. Virgil opened his mouth to speak, but after looking from Patton to Roman and back, he seemed to think better of it. Instead he pushed the door closed, and gently knelt in front of Roman, taking hold of the hand that wasn't wrapped around Patton's waist.

“Roman?” he asked, in a voice as delicate as spider-silk. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“I don't _know_ ,” Roman spat out, sounding half-strangled as he did so. “I – I'm in fairyland? I have no idea how I got here.”

Virgil's brow creased with worry.

“Can I –” He put a hand up to Roman's face, gently taking hold of his chin. “Give me a moment.”

Patton could see the moment Virgil knew what happened. His eyes turned dark as stormclouds, anger raging a hair below the surface even as his expression stayed frozen. His grip on Roman's face tightened, minutely, and a shudder ran through Roman. A moment later, Virgil had let go as if scalded, and was on his feet, stood back against the opposite wall.

“You've been pixie-led,” Virgil said.

Roman blinked at him.

“I haven't been pixie-led _once_ since I was three years old!” he said. “I'm not a _kid_.”

“You got yourself pixie-led!” Virgil repeated. “I don't know how you did it, or whose fault it was –”

Patton could almost hear the bitten-back threats against whoever was responsible. He gave Virgil a warning look.

“They led you straight to us,” he said, reassuringly. “Perhaps they were trying to help?”

“You're gonna have a weird hangover for the next half an hour or so, but you'll be right as rain. _This_ time.”

Roman nodded, breathing out heavily.

“What's the last thing you do remember?” Patton prodded, gently.

“I was at Logan's,” Roman said confidently. “We were… oh.”

Roman suddenly felt stiff as a board under Patton's arm. Patton reached out a hand to take his, but when Roman flinched back, Patton withdrew quickly, shuffling back to give Roman a little more space.

“Logan is mad at me,” Roman said, voice sounding flat.

“You two had an argument?”

“Not exactly.” Roman sighed. “It doesn't matter. I took off into the forest, and I apparently got myself pixie-led.”

“And now you're not answering your phone,” Patton finished for him. “Lo's probably going frantic.”

Roman shrugged, non-committally.

“I'll go get him,” Virgil said quickly.

“You don't have to bother.”

At Roman's words, Patton and Virgil exchanged a look of concern.

“Do you not want to see him?” Patton asked.

Roman let out a bitter laugh.

“I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see me right now,” he answered. “It's fine. I can wait out the half hour and head home myself when my head's clear.”

The air of worry in the room deepened.

“How about I go _talk_ to L,” Virgil suggested. “And if he wants to come back with me, he can. But I won't make him.”

Roman shrugged again. Virgil fidgeted his hands for a moment before asking:

“Can I hug you, before I go?”

Roman rolled his eyes a little.

“Yeah, V,” he said, his voice sounding a little more normal at last. “'Course you can.”

Virgil folded him into a hug, still careful and gentle, and pressed a kiss against the top of Roman's head. He lingered there for a few moments, before leaving the room.

Roman glanced sidelong at Patton.

“You can go get your book again, if you want,” he commented.

Patton turned sideways to face him, crossing his legs on the bed between them.

“Why on earth would I want to read some book for the third time when you're here, silly?”

He was teasing, but also not, and they both knew it. Roman winced a little at the question.

“Can we not talk about it?” Roman asked. Patton opened his mouth to speak, but Roman interrupted – “I know, not talking about things is too much a habit, but… not right now, at least?”

“Later? When the others come back?”

Roman grumbled something quietly, before saying: “Yeah, sure.”

“What was that?”

“I said… _if_ they come back.”

“Roman Joshua Gage –”

“I know, I know!” Roman held up his hands in surrender. “C'mon Pat, you don't gotta dad me.”

“Well it sure _sounds_ like I do!”

“I know Virge will come back,” Roman said, his voice deceptively breezy. “And I even know that Lo will forgive me. But… maybe he shouldn't. Maybe none of you should have to put up with my bullshit. Maybe I don't deserve it.”

Patton's chest ached, so bad. He wanted to wrap Roman in a crushing hug, and tell him that he was loved. He wanted to cry for all the bad things any of them had ever thought about themselves. He wanted to ask _what happened_ _today_ , with a desperate, burning worry.

But Roman didn't want any of those things from him. Not right now, at least. Roman wanted to pretend like everything was okay.

“Hey!” Patton said instead. “You'd better not be talking bad about my boyfriend, Mister.”

A small smile played around Roman's mouth.

“Are you going to fight me?” he asked.

“Damn straight!”

“And here I thought nothing about you was straight.”

Patton stuck his tongue out, and they both laughed. Then Roman groaned loudly and fell over sideways, planting his head firmly in Patton's lap. He rolled his legs up onto the bed, sprawling out over half the mattress.

“You're okay, honey,” Patton murmured reassuringly.

It wasn't true, and they both knew it. But it was good enough for now.

 

Dot was in the kitchen, baking bread and pretending she wasn't glancing out the window every couple of minutes. Larry was doing paperwork at the kitchen table, pretending not to be glancing at Logan through the open door. Thomas was watching videos on his phone, pretending it was normal that he was sat in the front room instead of in his bedroom. And Logan was anxiously tapping a pencil against the puzzle book in his lap, and trying not to check his phone more than once a minute.

The knock at the back door made everyone jump, and Logan was on his feet before anyone else could move.

Virgil was stood on the other side, arms folded, expression grim.

“Logan,” he said, glancing around the room at the assembled family members. “Can we talk? Outside, maybe?”

Logan nodded sharply.

“Of course.”

The two of them walked to under the oak tree in the back yard, and then Virgil sighed.

“What the fuck happened?”

“I –” Logan could feel his cheeks burning red already, his eyes prickling with heat. “I know that you're angry. I can't make up for what happened, but I am going to apologise, as soon as – as soon as Roman is willing to talk to me again.”

“Wait, wait, what?”

Virgil looked confused, alarmed even. Logan ran back over his words in his mind, trying to work out where he might have caused offence.

“I understand if you feel I owe you and Patton an apology as well –”

“No, stop, back up.” Virgil held up his hands. “What. _Happened_?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Roman shows up in fairyland, having been fucking _pixie_ - _led_ in the forest, and he wouldn't say what happened except that he thought _you_ were mad at him, and now you're apologising for **some reason and I** –” Virgil bit his tongue, taking a deep breath, and the echoing, brain-scratching tone was mostly gone from his voice when he continued: “I would like to know what. The fuck. _Happened_. This afternoon.”

“Ah.”

Logan took a deep breath. Somehow, he hadn't anticipated this. He assumed that Roman would have no problem decrying him but – of course, no, Roman was probably far too upset to want to relive what he had done.

“Roman came over this afternoon. We were… in an intimate moment, when I believe he experienced some kind of flashback.”

Virgil's expression grew shadowed, but he shook his head.

“That can't be the first time that's happened?”

They didn't really… talk about it, much. It felt wrong, discussing Roman without his presence, and at the same time no-one wanted to bring it up in front of him. But no, of course it hadn't been the first time. Logan shook his head.

“You know how –” Logan swallowed. “Sometimes, Roman has trouble saying 'no.' This was one of those times.” He took a deep breath. “And I didn't notice.”

“… oh.”

“I continued to kiss him, and – believing I had his consent, I… escalated the situation somewhat further than we had gone before.” Logan's hands were clenched so tight that his nails bit into his palms. “I stopped the moment I realised what had happened, of course.”

“L,” Virgil said, gently tapping a finger against his fist until it uncurled a little. “I didn't ask.”

Logan shook his head.

“I should have been paying more attention. It took me _minutes_ to notice –”

“You thought I'd be mad at you for that?” Virgil asked, softly.

“You and Patton trusted me to look after him, and I _hurt_ him,” Logan said, his voice low. “I touched him without consent, I'm no better than –” The words cut off suddenly, and Logan took a breath. “I should have been better.”

“Look, I'm not going to tell you it's okay,” Virgil said. “That's between you and Roman. But I'm not going to be angry at you over an accident, either. Especially not when you're doing such a great job of it yourself.”

Logan sighed, and Virgil took his hand, weaving their fingers together.

“Although,” he continued. “I _would_ like to know why you let him run off into the woods alone after something like that.”

“I didn't have much choice.” Logan huffed. “It took me a few minutes to realise but – Roman's shirt, he had it off and when he put it back on –”

“It was inside out,” Virgil finished, remembering that detail of Roman's dishevelled state. “He vanished right in front of you?”

“I didn't know if… if he meant to do it.” Logan's voice sounded small and strained.

“I'm sure he didn't,” Virgil reassured him. He leaned forward gently, cupping Logan's face in his hand like a question. Logan was the one to press their lips together, quick and tender, before leaning his forehead against Virgil's.

“I think you two need to talk,” Virgil said softly. “Maybe all of us. Will you come back with me?”

“Yeah,” Logan answered. “But first I should –”

He turned back towards the house, where both his parents and his brother were visible through the window, pretending unconvincingly they weren't watching the scene playing out between the couple.

“Yeah, I was wondering about that,” Virgil commented.

“I told Thomas that Roman and I fought, but I obviously couldn't explain why,” Logan said. “He was… concerned.”

“Well, let's go reassure your folks that I'll have you back before curfew.”

Logan smiled a little as they strolled towards the house.

“You know, Thomas thinks you're scared of Mom.”

Virgil faltered momentarily.

“… That would be ridiculous.”

Logan patted his hand sympathetically.

“Keep calling her Ma'am,” he suggested. “She thinks it's cute when you're all respectful.”

“I am not cute,” Virgil huffed.

Logan grinned at him.

“There, I'm afraid I'll have to disagree.”

 

When the two of them returned to Virgil's room, it was late afternoon, and the sunlight slanting through the window was casting a shaft of gold across Patton's legs and Roman's hair. Both Logan and Virgil froze in the doorway, transfixed by the sight for a moment.

“Hey,” Roman said, sounding resigned. “C'mon, get over here. If I've gotta have this conversation, I at least cuddles too.”

Virgil curled up at the foot of the bed, and promptly received a lapful of Roman's legs. But Logan hesitated.

“You too, nerd.”

“I wasn't sure if –”

“ _Logan,_ ” Roman said, his voice painfully raw, and Logan reluctantly sat down, leaning with his side against Virgil's back. Roman wrapped a hand around his ankle, his thumb brushing slowly up and down.

“I'm sorry,” Logan said, quickly.

Roman blinked at him.

“What on earth have you got to be sorry for?”

“I touched you,” Logan said, his voice choked. “When you were in no fit state to give consent for it –”

Roman made a scoffing sound, and waved his hand dismissively through the air.

“The way I remember it, we were both touching,” he said. “And you wouldn’t have to worry about that sort of thing if your boyfriend wasn’t a compulsive liar.”

Patton made a wounded noise, but Roman continued:

“All of you deserve better than this, you deserve to be able to trust that when you’re kissing someone they actually want it –”

“Not an option,” Virgil said flatly. “We’re dating _you_ , Roman. There isn’t anyone better.”

Logan and Patton both nodded in agreement, and Roman sighed.

“Okay, fine,” he groaned. “I just wish that I could get him out of my head.”

There was a long, awkward silence.

“When you say ‘him’ –” Logan began.

Roman glanced at Virgil.

“Oh, I didn’t – well, I guess him too,” he admitted. “But I was talking about… Night Roman. Useless, dumbass, son of a –”

Patton made a soft humming noise in his throat.

“I thought Night Roman was… you.”

“Exactly,” Roman said, his arm falling against the bed.

Patton stroked his hand along Roman’s face, Virgil drummed fingers against his knees, and Logan curled forward to take his hand. But none of them knew what to say.

“It’s easier some times than others,” Roman commented eventually. His gaze was fixed firmly on the ceiling, avoiding anyone’s eye. “He comes and goes. When I’m with you three, it’s almost all… Day Me. The me I want to be. Because he was never the one around you guys, see?

“But… kissing. Well, only one me was doing much kissing, and it wasn’t –” Roman choked off, and took a deep breath before continuing. “It all comes flooding back up like a blocked drain, his broken muscle-memory, and I can’t shut it out.”

“Honey,” Patton said softly, “you know we can always take things as slow as you like. If you’d be more comfortable without –”

“Patton Waller,” Roman cut him off. “I love you dearly, but if you offer to stop kissing me like it’s some kind of _kindness_ then I am going to scream.”

“Then what do you want?” Virgil asked, his voice low. The other three turn to look at him, and he shrugs. “We’ve spent months not talking about this properly, but that’s the real question here. Tell us what will help, Roman, and we’ll do it.”

“Even if you aren’t sure, or you change your mind later,” Patton added. “You don’t gotta have all the answers now.”

Roman let out a hiss of breath through his teeth.

“Even if you’re not gonna like it?” The other three nodded. “Well, first off I want you to stop treating me like I’m made of glass! I’m not gonna break just because you misunderstand me one time. You don’t gotta be freaking out, or – or throwing yourself off of me like I’m diseased!”

Logan raised an eyebrow at him.

“We can endeavour not to treat you as though you’re fragile,” he said, slowly. “But we’re always going to treat you as though you’re valuable, Roman.”

Roman flustered a little, turning pink.

“You can’t just _say_ something like that,” he muttered, perfectly audibly.

“Anything else, love?” Virgil prompted.

“I want –” Roman bit his lip, eyes on the ceiling once more. “I know why y'all are worried, I do, but I don't want to _stop_ kissing you! I actually want to do… more? I mean – not have sex right this minute or anything, but…”

He shifted uncomfortably for a few moments, blushing.

“Right now, that stuff's all tangled up in my head with the only person I remember doing any of it with, and I don't want it to be. So I figure… I want to make some new memories. Better ones. With _you_.”

Roman's was no longer the only red face in the room. Suddenly the air felt a little warmer between the four of them.

“Oh,” Patton said, his voice suddenly breathy. “Honey –”

“When we're all ready,” Roman said quickly. “I don't want – I'm not trying to pressure anyone, but I don't want you to be taking things slow on my account.”

“We understand,” Logan said firmly, tapping a long finger against the back of Roman's hand. “Thank you for helping us understand.”

Virgil bit his lip, a small frown of worry on his face.

“What if it doesn't work how you want?” he asked. “We don't want to hurt you.”

“I’ll tell you if it starts getting bad,” Roman said. Then, after a moment: “Well, I’ll try. And if that means you gotta ask how I'm doing every five minutes, then I _suppose_ I'll bear it. Even if it does make me feel like some kind of china doll.”

“Well, you are good-looking enough, _doll_ -face,” Patton teased.

“I'm surprised you didn't make a pun about playing with him,” Logan muttered, and then groaned as Patton looked up at him, grinning widely.

“Enough serious talk!” Roman declared. He glanced up at Patton. “Kiss me?”

“Spiderman kiss?” Patton asked back. Roman nodded, and Patton doubled over to meet Roman's head in his lap, both of them giggling as they tried to negotiate kissing upside-down.

“Why is there something called a Spiderman kiss that doesn't involve me?” Virgil asked.

“It's a popular culture reference,” Logan explained, hooking his chin over Virgil's shoulder, and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Pretend you know what they're talking about, unless you want to be forced into another movie night.”

“Excuse you, movie nights are great dates!” Roman protested, sitting up. “Ooh, you have _so_ many superhero films to catch up on.”

Under Roman's expectant gaze, Virgil melted into a smile.

“I could be convinced to explore a 'whole new world' with you.”

Roman swooned dramatically across Virgil's lap.

“I knew you'd like the Disney!”

“Watching films together is very inefficient,” Logan grumbled to no-one in particular. “We kept having to pause the movie because we were getting… distracted.”

“The distraction is kinda the point,” Patton said, suddenly much closer than he had been a moment ago, his golden eyes shining as he smiled at Logan. “As I recall, you weren't complaining much at the time.”

“Yes, well…”

Logan blushed, and kissed him rather than answer.

There wasn't any more talking for a little while.

 

Some time later, Roman found himself curled around Logan's side, while Patton and Virgil kissed lazily nearby.

“I really am sorry,” Logan said, quietly. “Even if you don't feel I need to apologise, I want to anyway. Not just for not realising sooner, but – if my reaction distressed you at all –”

“'S fine,” Roman said, quickly. “I wasn't exactly thinking clearly.”

“I was upset and angry at myself, but don't think any less of you for having that kind of reaction,” Logan continued. “I won't ever think you're disgusting, or wrong, or broken, for having these feelings and these memories. And next time it happens, I'll try to make that clearer.” He paused. “Although you may need to promise not to counter-charm me again.”

Logan flicked at the label of Roman's shirt, which was still showing on the outside.

“Oh,” Roman said softly. “Sorry 'bout that.”

“You are forgiven,” Logan said gravely, then ruined the effect by smiling softly and kissing Roman's forehead.

“Just so you know,” Roman said, flushing a little. “What we were doing, I… I might not have been in a fit state to say yes, but that doesn't mean I'd have said no to it if I could.”

“Oh.” Logan feels like all the breath has been punched from his lungs. “Oh. You want to – I mean, we could try again sometime?”

“Definitely,” Roman answered, before he'd even finished speaking. Their lips met, open-mouthed and suddenly more urgent. “Logan, _fuck_ –”

“I think we should wait maybe a couple more months for that,” Logan said. It took Roman a moment to take in the teasing hint of a smile, and he rolled his eyes before kissing Logan once more.

“I take it you two have made up?” Patton teased, curling around Roman's back and pressing a kiss to the side of his neck.

“Yeah,” Roman said, his breath still hot against Logan's mouth.

“What time is it?” Logan asked.

“Eight fifty-four p.m.” Virgil answered automatically as he settled in behind Patton. Then: “ _Logan_.”

“We've got at least forty minutes until I need to head back in order to make curfew,” Logan said, running a hand down Roman's face. “How do you want to spend them?”

Roman licked his lips.

“I have a few ideas.”

 


End file.
